Something Annoying about the South

I opened up Tom Franklin's Crooked Letter, Crooked Letter just now. I've been looking forward to reading it. I enjoyed Poachers, his short story collection, and I'd heard this book was better.

But I was stopped cold before I even began, reminded of Something Annoying about the South, by Franklin's epigraph, which was this:

M-I, crooked letter, crooked letter, I, crooked letter, crooked letter, I, humpback, humpback I.
--How southern children are taught to spell Mississippi. (emphasis mine)

I grew up in northeast New Jersey, Bergen County to be exact, and my father taught me that ditty (except it was hunchback, not humpback). And he was born in a house just a few blocks from the house I grew up in and his parents were German. So no southern influence there.

It's like the woman I met at a party when I first moved down here who said, "That just gets me so riled up." What she was riled up about I don't remember, but I do remember that she looked at me and said, "You probably don't even know what 'riled up' means, being from up north." She followed this with a pitying look, sorry that I didn't come from such a rich oral tradition.

That got me riled up! We speak the same language, north and south, share an American culture. The south isn't some rarefied bastion of unique and folksy phrases that don't exist "up north." I can understand you. We have the same vocabulary. It's the same shit, just with different vowel sounds.

Get over yourselves already and have a glass of sweet tea. Bless your hearts.

PS Still looking forward to the novel.

Monroeville Mall, Heck Yes

Monroeville Mall, PA, the historic location of Romero's Dawn of the Dead. Not the 2004 remake with fast zombies, but the 1978 original in all its incredibly gory, non-CGI splatter.

I finally got there. I was in Monroeville last weekend for a wedding and there was no question: I had to visit the mall.

And you know what? It looks like every other mall. At first I was disappointed but then I realized that was precisely the film's brilliance. It should look like any mall! Because when the apocalypse happens, it's gonna be everywhere--in our back yards, schools, houses--and in our malls. There are already a lot of zombies at Hot Topic anyway--why not add a few flesh-eating ones?

I had heard there's a special store with zombie memorabilia at the Monroeville Mall. Unfortunately it wasn't clear from the directory where it was--there was no Zombie Nook listed--and we didn't have time to walk the whole mall in search of it. I believe I will regret that decision more than my decision not to have children.

I did find one zombie though, riding the escalator which, in my imagination, is the same exact escalator as in the film.


Oh wait, that's not a zombie. That's me!


PS If you want way more pics than these and actual comparisons with the film, check out this guy's blog post.

Potato Chips: Crispy Windows to the Soul

Yes, this post is about potato chips, but also so much more. Let's say it's about potato chips as metaphor. How potato chips reveal who you are--economically, spiritually, politically.

Sounds ridiculous when I type it, but I went to college in the early 90s. Semiotics and deconstruction were all the rage. I wasn't taught to enjoy a good book. I was taught to rip it apart for underlying sexism, racism, and imperialism!

But I had a personal revelation at Krogers. Yesterday I bought potato chips. I feel compelled to assert here that I don't usually buy potato chips. We have guests coming, a family with a kid, and I thought they would enjoy potato chips. The fact that I felt compelled to clarify that I'm not the kind of person who regularly buys chips reveals something itself.

So anyway, I put the fancy Cape Cod cracked black pepper and sea salt chips in my basket. Because that's what hipster-foodies-"smart folks" who are against the corporate system eat, right? I mean, if they must eat chips.

And then I realized--I don't like them. They're too thick. Darn it, I like Lays' Sour Cream and Onion Potato Chips! They are an undemanding chip. Their dust is delicious. They are thin and crispy. And I will not feel guilty for my tastes any longer.

Bring on the corporate chips! Embrace who you are! Next thing you know, I'll be eating Kraft Mac-N-Cheese.

Who's with me?