American Idle Hands Are the Devil's Playground

Kris Allen came to town last week so Conway had a parade. There was no way I was going to miss this event. But first I had to get liquored up.


It was crowded and humid. There were a lot of fat people and women with big Southern hair. We skipped the parade part and muscled our way off to the side of the stage, winding up on the railroad tracks. I kept fantasizing that a train would barrel through and kill everyone. No such luck.

The big crowd was in front of the stage and they kept screaming and whooping as if Kris himself were coming. But he wasn't. Finally we realized they were watching themselves on the jumbotron and screaming at their own image. It was like masturbating to your own porn: self-indulgent and pathetic. Sexy? Please. That crowd was white bread.

And then there were the families. That damn grandma with the sweaty three-year-old who just had to get in front of us. Why do people with kids think they have privileges others don't? Why does everyone have to bow down to fascist four-year-olds and let them skip in line? It's not like the kid will remember the event. She wasn't even paying attention. Regardless, I let her in front of me, I'm not a total ass, but I gave the tyke the evil eye--we had a staring contest and I won. Take that, three-year-old girl in a dress and pink ribbons!

Then Kris's preacher came out. Now, I have no problem with people praying. It certainly can't hurt anything. But I do have a problem with a man leading a crowd of 15K in prayer at a public event. There's the assumption that everyone is Christian or believes in God. It's so hegemonic! The preacher said the only reason Kris has gotten to the final three is...GOD! God wanted him to succeed...so he did. It's all part of His plan. But I'm not so sure God cares about American (false) Idol. Didn't Jesus smash the temple with the money-lenders? At least he did in Jesus Christ Superstar...while singing. Plus, doesn't God have better things to do? Wars, cancer, famine. Give me an amen!

Then Kris came out and sang. He was okay, I guess. For more on his singing, check out Julee's blog. Julee's a rockstar and I stole my photos from her. Here we are posing so Kris would notice us. He didn't.



We didn't have the best view. Here's the back of the Idol's head. Check out the girl with the green shirt on Daddy's shoulders.


So last night, I watched American Idol, and when Kris Allen performed, I got a little excited. I even called in to vote, but couldn't get through. Despite the fascism of the parade, I hope Kris wins. Kick Awesome!