What I learned from Hell House

Last night I went to Eternity House. Here's what I learned:

1. Satan wears tennis shoes and has a lisp.
2. Chili is evil because you never know what your step-dad might put in it.
3. Doing the locomotion is evil too.
4. Faulkner County Sheriff's vehicles are available for many events.
5. Chick-Fil-A is the fast food of the faithful.
6. If a pretty young woman rolls her eyes during Bible study, she will burn in hell for ETERNITY.
7. If you drink beer, you will burn in hell for ETERNITY.
8. You can burn in hell for ETERNITY for being a snot-nosed teenager!
9. ETERNITY is a very long time.
10. In heaven, angels lip-sync while dancing with their hands.
11. Heaven also has a cheap fountain and twinkly Christmas lights.
12. Hell is a pretty cool disco with black lights and neon colors and hot guys writhing in cages.
13. The good die young.
14. God is overly judgmental.

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How to make a gar-shaped cake

All Mark wanted for his birthday was a gar-shaped cake. Of course I had to make him one. Luckily our friend Eric was in town to help. He's biking around the country and only has one pair of pants, but with his shapely legs who needs 'em? He's starting a blog about his adventures called Me Cycle Long Time.

We decided on two 10-inch roll cakes for the body because gars are long and skinny. The cake part was pumpkin spice with a whipped cream and toffee filling. The first roll held together like a tight cigarette--the second broke, but then inspiration struck! This gar cake had been hooked--maybe by Mark--and the broken part was simply a battle wound.

After baking the roll cake, we made traditional chocolate cake for the head and tail. We approached the task like sculptors--the source material was like a giant piece of granite, and we simply cut away everything that wasn't gar. Here's Eric finding the tail:

While Eric took care of the tail, I concentrated on the head. Don't look for any significance in that division of labor. There is no insight into the characters in this narrative. It is all about the gar cake.

Next came the icing. I made the first batch, which accidentally became caramel. So Eric took up the task. First it was too thin. I consulted the Joy Of Cooking which said to beat watery icing in strong sunlight. Unfortunately it was overcast, so Eric just had to keep on beating that thing until it got stiff. He beat it for 25 minutes! I believe that's a record. It was also the occasion for many puns.

After putting the cake together came the fun part: Decorating!

The finished head:

The entire gar in all its glory.

It took us close to seven hours over two days to make this cake. But it was worth it. Look at Mark's smiling face!

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